Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
