I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize