Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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