took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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