ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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