I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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