Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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