Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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