you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
