Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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