I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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