Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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