I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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