he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My cat gives me a boner
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
