the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
