Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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