I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
