Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Can I color on your dick again?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
