So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
