She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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