Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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