Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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