he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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