Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
