white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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