does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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