the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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