Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
