Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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