I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
