dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
