where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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