: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
