Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
