when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
