Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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