It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
