my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm too high and old for this...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
