Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
