Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
