My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
