my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
