I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
