i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
