There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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