WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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