What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
