So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
