The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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