I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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