Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
