I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
not ubering you a puppy
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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