i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
