took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i think i just lost a toe
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
