I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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