I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
