Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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