sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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