I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Even my vagina gasped.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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