tell your sister to shave her snatch
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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