Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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