mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize