I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
