She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
