the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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