I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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