whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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