Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
