haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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