when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
