I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
