everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
