I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
