I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
