hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
